April 5, 2017
Chuck Servative - Editor
Earlier today, Mark Emmert, President of the NCAA, declared Trump University the winner of the NCAA tournament.
In an emotional ceremony of humiliation, Emmert ripped the trophy from the sad Roy Williams’ hands and told him to “give back what is rightfully Mr. Trump’s.” In an untelevised moment, Emmert also attempted to force Coach Williams to make a “walk of atonement” where Trump University fans would shame the preferably nude and dishonored coach.
“We would like to deeply apologize to President Trump for the mistake that was made on our part. Much like the Oscars mix-up, last night, the University of North Carolina was wrongly awarded the trophy for the NCAA Tournament Championship. Today, we are here to correct this mistake,” stated Emmert.
In an interview with Williams, the coach acknowledged his wrongdoing.
“How foolish of me to believe that we could win the NCAA Tournament by winning 6 games straight and defeating Gonzaga in the championship round. I thought I had figured out a way to beat the system, but as it turns out, the Fighting Cheetos of Trump University were a team of destiny.”
The White House Press Corps wasted no time in asking Sean Baby-Face Spicer about this unforeseen upset. When CNN correspondent Jim Acosta noted that Trump University does not actually have a basketball team, Spicer scoffed and claimed that Acosta should spend more time watching the "sports channel" and less time watching fake news.
Donald Trump has reportedly given Barron Trump the trophy to use as a boogie board during family vacations.
“This worthless piece of you-know-what is barely made of gold so I’ve given it to Barron for his entertainment while I conduct meetings on our Mar-a-Lago visits. I hope Trump University can win a better trophy next year, something much more shiny; much more nice. Don’t you think we deserve something much more nice; much more shiny?
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