March 24, 2017
Chuck Servative - Editor
WASHINGTON - In a statement made by President Trump, always the nuclear jester of our time, he asked the American people if they think they're as smart as he is and if they can figure out his plan to defeat ISIS. However, he laid out his possible plan as a multiple choice question.
"Since I already know the answer, and it's the best-believe me, I know the answer, but anyways, I'm asking you, the people, the voters, who I love and who have given me tremendous support, what my tremendous plan to defeat ISIS is. Is it…"
"A: Make an anti-Islam wall lined with pork products."
"Or is it, B: Move the United States to somewhere where they wouldn't expect it, like, I dunno, Alaska or something."
"C: Kidnap Barack Obama (FOUNDER OF ISIS) and convert him to Team America"
"Or could it...MAYBE...be D: Hold a special season of The Apprentice: Terrorist Edition and rig it so The Taliban wins."
President Trump's statement has left the public stumped on both sides of the political spectrum. Speaker of the House of Representatives, Paul Ryan (R), stated "What a great way to get the public involved in beating ISIS! I bet it's A. We're already making one wall, so why not just line it with bacon?"
Stephen Burke, CEO of NBC, was quoted "Jesus, I hope it's D. I usually say I'm a pretty middle of the spectrum, but one things for certain, Trump was right about The Apprentice under Schwarzenegger; the ratings have just sucked. Maybe we need to spice things up a little."
Notable female Bill Cosby impersonator and evolutionary dumpster of the universe, Sarah Palin (R), stated "WOW! Well we'd love to have y'all pistol tooters and bear wrastlers up here in the US of Alaska, but I think his plan is C. That's really the only way to get to the bottom of this."
Barack Obama, unfortunately, could not be found for comment. Sources say he has gone cave diving and is contemplating ever returning. However, many people are concerned about option C.
"If we unleash Obama's former drones on their original master, we toy with the possibility of a rise of the machines. We would be wise to take caution." Said Vice President Mike Pence.
More on this story as it develops.
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