Scott Pruitt Releases Tips to Combat Global Warming on Earth Day

April 22, 2017

Chuck Servative and Hugh Jass

Pruitt EPA

WASHINGTON - In honor of Earth Day 2017, Scott Pruitt, current head of the Environmental Protection Agency, has released a helpful list of tips for Americans who are interested in helping the environment. Although Pruitt has stated that he does not believe CO2 emissions are primary contributors to global warming, the head of the EPA has embraced his job of combating the rise in global temperatures.

"Today, I would like to clear the concerns of all the outspoken environmentalists who opposed my appointment to this position. I jotted down this list of no-brainer ideas the other day to satisfy your most unreasonable demands. I hope this begins to pave the road towards a compromise on all of your ideals," stated Pruitt.

Pruitt's list is as follows:

  • Leave your refrigerators open during the day while you're at work
  • Turn your AC up all the way during those hot summer days
  • Refrain from carpooling. If we all drive separately, more holes can be burnt in the ozone thereby letting in more cold air from space.
  • Throw ice at selfish strangers who are exercising and radiating heat
  • Use driving lawn mowers if possible because they fan the ground better
  • Encourage farmers to breed more ice cream cows
  • Fill your sprinkler with Icy-Hot but pray the "Hot" part away
  • If you have to make a fire, make sure to use Clinton campaign posters and Blu-Ray copies of "An Inconvenient Truth"
  • Ask anyone with 1000+ friends on the Facebook about how to act cool
  • Expand Trump's wall to include a ceiling
  • Eat more fast food so our collective increase in weight can push the Earth farther from the Sun
  • Donate an extra dollar to your KFC to buy a soda and dump it in the drive through lane
  • Hold a mirror above your head to redirect the sun's rays back into space
  • End specific hunting seasons; hunt plant-eating animals to extinction
  • Put lids on all active volcanoes
  • Urge dictators to use organic chemical weapons and energy efficient Holocaust Centers
  • Pruitt is also pushing the Trump Administration to back legislation that would have hot showers cost more.

"If only the affluent can afford hot showers, we will have more inner-city communities contributing cold water to the environment. Besides, if you're already squandering food stamps provided by loyal taxpayers, you shouldn't be wasting your limited finances on warm water. That's rather sleazy if you ask me!"

For more tips on how to help save the environment, please call 911 and ask for the EPA. For other reliable real news please like, follow, and share us on Facebook and Twitter.

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