Neil Gorsuch Promises to Make This Quick

March 22, 2017

Chuck Servative - Editor

Gorsuch picture

WASHINGTON - In a stunning admission from President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, the previous member of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Tenth Circuit, stated that he doesn’t plan on living that long anyways.

“I know you may not believe this, but I figure I only have about 7 or 8 good years left until this lump in my chest catches up with me. As of late, I’ve also been questioning whether it would be easier to just step in front of the 7:48 bus. Whatever the case may be, I promise that I’ll be no Ruth.”

Senator Al Franken (D), who had previously been grilling Gorsuch on a dissent he made on a trucker’s case, told the notably morose Gorsuch to cheer up and that there were always brighter things on the horizon than becoming a Trump appointed judge on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“I disagreed with his absurd dissent agreeing with the driver’s dismissal, but man, the guy just seemed so down afterwards that I had to give him a pick-me-up. I didn’t know about all that baggage he was carrying or I wouldn’t have said that. You know I wouldn’t do something like that? I’m a nice guy, right?” stated Franken.

Gorsuch was stated to have been taking swigs from a flask when he knew the cameras cut away from his view. Gorsuch declined to respond to this accusation, however, he claimed that “anyone else in his situation would do the same. Plus, this is good shit.”

Senator Richard Durbin (D) of Illinois later said that they were all rooting for Gorsuch to battle with his inner demons. “We are all hoping that Gorsuch can come to terms with being nominated by Trump and send our best wishes to him.”

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